


i want you (to be happier)

by pepi_peachnbeans



Category: GOT7, JJ Project
Genre: Angst, Arguments, Break Up, Deciding to move on, Fighting, M/M, implied and referenced 2jae
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-08
Updated: 2019-01-08
Packaged: 2019-10-06 11:24:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17344406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pepi_peachnbeans/pseuds/pepi_peachnbeans
Summary: and maybe we're just like the sun and moon- deeply in love with each other, but too different to exist side by side





	i want you (to be happier)

**Author's Note:**

> title from happier - marshmello and bastille

They should have known better that a hurricane and a volcano would never be good for each other. That didn't stop them for trying though, and God knows that they tried. Kept forcing it and beating it into the ground until they end up where they are now. 

It's morning, and Jinyoung blinks awake, Jaebum's completely out cold next to him, which isn't really that out of the normal to any other day really. Except he knows that Jaebum was probably up way later and had to have crept into bed at some point. 

He goes out to the kitchen, passing their living room and finding himself sigh at the papers everywhere that got knocked off of the desk. It all seems stupid and silly now that he thinks of it, the entirety of last night, purely absurd. It didn't seem like that in the moment though, both of their anger had been at its peak as they screamed and cussed at each other, obviously enough to cause such a mess. 

It's probably because they're still harboring year long issues that haven't ever got truly fixed. Or never properly discussed, instead getting brushed under the rug in the guise that it's fine, everything's fine and that they are okay. 

It's getting harder and harder to pretend that they are okay. 

Often, Jinyoung himself pushes a lot of these thoughts aside, the genuine reflection, not letting himself feel anything but the anger and the present hurt. It always causes this constriction feeling in his chest and for his stomach to churn and hands to shake, and he never really wants to come to term with anything. 

Deeming it to early to be putting himself in that kind of state, he wills it away as he starts running the coffee, watching it as it begins to fill up. There's a cough next to him then, and he see's Jaebum walk in, hair in a practical rats nest, yawning. On good days, Jinyoung would have smiled, perhaps called him cute, or would tease him and say he's ugly, but ultimately end up fussing over him and trying to brush through his hair. But today isn't one of their good days, and so he doesn't. 

Wordlessly knowing the routine then, Jinyoung pours the coffee into one of their mugs and hands it to Jaebum and turns back to attend to his own. They sit on opposite ends of the kitchen table, both engrossed in their own selves to bother with each other. Or maybe it's just because after all the words they had to say last night, they left nothing to say now besides half assed apologies. 

It's later in the day then, when Jaebum finally comes out to speak to him for the first time, "Jinyoung why aren't you dressed?" 

He looks up from where he's organizing the papers from the ground with a frown, "I'm not going to go tonight." 

Jaebum's frowning at him now, "Should I not go then either? I'll call Youngjae-" 

"No." Jinyoung interrupts and shakes his head while clearing his throat and smiles. "How about you just go?" 

At that, Jaebum's frown deepens more as he crosses his arms, "And what? Have you be mad at me later on because I chose going to Youngjae's show and out to dinner rather than be here with you?" 

Jinyoung's immediate gut reaction is to deny it and to tell Jaebum that he is crazy, but... he isn't, is he? It's happened one too many times where Jinyoung has brushed off telling Jaebum to go do something, and then always feel a bit of hurt when Jaebum doesn't chose him instead. Or perhaps Jaebum is trying to bait him in for another fight, and Jinyoung feels cornered then, unsure of what to say. "I'll be more mad at you right now if you don't go." 

And with a huff Jaebum is gone. 

Jinyoung sighs as he gently places down the pile of papers in his hand. Part of him doesn't feel like going out, but because he knows he needs to take the time to really think and he can't do that in public, or with Jaebum around, because without even being conscious of it, sometimes his presence can be suffocating. 

Admitting that neither of them are happy right now is rough, but admitting that they aren't happy together, and are dragging each other down is even rougher. But it's the inescapable truth that's been building up since the first day that Jinyoung can't turn away from anymore. It's not just self deprecation that makes Jinyoung think that Jaebum would be far off better with someone else, but it's main fact by now. 

He thinks about tonight, or how Jaebum's smile is bright around Youngjae, and how he hasn't seen Jaebum smile like that in a long time. Too long. 

There's that spark of jealousy that starts to eat at him from the inside as he thinks about it. But really, Youngjae would be good for Jaebum, if Jinyoung is a hurricane than Youngjae is the sun and it's what he needs. To be happy, he deserves it and if for that Jinyoung has to leave then- 

Then he'll go. 

And that's what really has been unavoidable this whole time, despite Jinyoung always trying to ignore the thoughts of it because of how much it hurt, the idea of letting go. Selfishly, he doesn't want to do it, he wants to wrap his arms around Jaebum, pin him to the bed, and never let him go. But if he's been stubborn about it, then Jaebum will be more so. But he likes to think that maybe if they jump together they can swim from this wreck that they have made. 

He's only entertained the idea of them breaking up less than a handful of times throughout their relationship. There had been the time of their first really huge fight that resulted in Jinyoung kicking Jaebum out for several days, forcing him to go stay at a distraught Jackson's apartment. Then there was the time that Jaebum was convinced that Jinyoung was cheating on him, that had been a mess and nearly made Jinyoung claw out his own hair and Jaebum's eyes for being such a utter fucking dick. Then there had been the last string of a big fight which ever since then had been little ones over and over that always ended up escalating. 

And maybe- maybe Jinyoung needs it too. To stop feeling like he needs to walk on eggshells, or like he is suffocating in his own apartment. Or to stop the hurt he feels that Jaebum always gives him unintentionally. 

He cries for a bit, sitting there on his living room floor, the mess of papers from last night still practically everywhere. He considers calling Mark then, knowing that Mark is level headed and had been trying to tell Jinyoung all of this for what seems like forever now, but despite being ignored tried to support everyone the best that he can. There's also the reassurance that if he calls, Mark won't be a dick that will tell him a rightful 'I told you so'. 

But he doesn't end up calling. 

He let's himself sniffle as he keeps organizing the papers, waiting for Jaebum to get home. Jaebum comes home a bit later that night, coming in the door sometime after 10:30, glancing at Jinyoung immediately, as if expecting to get scorned. Which makes Jinyoung swallow because he knows that he has done that too. 

He watches as Jaebum toes his shoes off and hands his coat, acting a bit like a stranger in his own home, most likely unsure of the mood that Jinyoung is in. "Jaebum," he says finally, voice soft which catches his attention. "Can we- can we talk?" 

"Yeah we can talk." 

It's much more harder to get out he finds, now that he's face to face with Jaebum, who is sitting there in front of him, matching his own nervous intensity. How does he say to his boyfriend, the man that he loves, and has been wit ha greater part of his life, that they should stop all of that? He decides to go about it like he does ripping off a band aid, all at once, "I think we should break up." 

Jaebum's face falls, and then his mouth is pressed into a cold line, and he sits there rigid, the emotionless mask that Jinyoung has always bitched about present on his face. He feels like he has to keep talking then, and so he does, "We can't keep hiding it. You're not happy, I know you aren't. And I'm not happy either. Things aren't okay, and they haven't been for a long time." 

"Did Mark put you up to this?" he finally grits out. 

Jinyoung's not all that surprised, "No. While you were out with Youngjae I came to the conclusion myself." 

"See!" he points out. "I fucking _knew_ you were going to get pissy about that, jesus Jinyoung." 

"I didn't mean it like that," he breathes back feeling his own anger build up. "This is proving my point, we can't even sit and have an important discussion without raising our voices and pointing our fingers. It isn't healthy Jaebum." 

"So you're just going to give up on us?" 

"Don't act like it's just me who's giving up on this Jaebum," he snaps back, standing up ready to walk to their bedroom for the night, unsure of how else to go about this. Jaebum just makes it all so damn difficult.

Jaebum grabs his wrist roughly then to keep him from walking away, "So- so that's it then?" his voice is shaky. "We're really going to end this? After everything." 

"Is it that surprising?" 

"No," he says. "I knew it was coming, that one day one of us would break, but it always seemed like something far off in the future that we can't reach today, or tomorrow. It's a bit surreal." 

"I don't think we can keep doing this for any longer though Jaebum." 

"I know," his voice is soft. "It's just- I'm scared. You get that Jinyoung? I'm fucking terrified." 

It's one of the times that Jaebum has been honest with him, one of the things that has caused several of the fights actually. It's enough to stun him in a bit of a silence, and make him feel all the bit more worse. "I am too, but we shouldn't stay comfortable in our pain and forget that happiness is an option." 

"But why can't that happiness be with each other?" 

"We can't make each other happy," Jinyoung's hand shoots out to cup Jaebum's cheek and wipe away the tear that's leaving his eye. "And I want you to be." 

"I want to be happy with you," his voice is petulant, almost coming out as a whine. 

Hesitantly, Jinyoung raises his other hand to cup Jaebum's other cheek, "But you're not. I love you, and this hurts me too." He stops then, his head moving a bit in, and ultimately it's Jaebum who closes the gap. 

Their lips touch, and it's all too hesitant compared to any other time, and it barely lasts that long until Jinyoung is pulling back. It felt like a bit too much of a way of saying goodbye. If this is what it takes to get them what they both deserve, then he'll gladly go.


End file.
